Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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