this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
