yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
