I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
