3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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