Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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