i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
