That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
