i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
