The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
