if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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