she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
