I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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