Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
