when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
