god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
