the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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