the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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