I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
