last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
