i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
