oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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