It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
