Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
