wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
