Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
