My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
