Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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