i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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