my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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