Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
