so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
