I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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