Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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