I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
