i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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