you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
