someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize
