I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
