mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
