Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
