Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
