I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
