if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
