Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
