dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
