You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
