Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
