If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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