We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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