I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if only i could text you this smell
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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