this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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